Today I bought a Pez and accompanying dispenser for "ol' times' sake". By "ol' times' sake", of course I mean nostalgic, wishy-washy consumerism. That old thing. Anyway, after I got home, I cut open the bubble packaging and attempted to load the infernal contraption. It was hard. Very hard. Extremely hard. It may possibly be the single most difficult feat known to man. To attempt to load a Pez dispenser is the most fiddly, frustrating, fruitless and deadly endeavour that could ever be conceived by a fevered mental patient. So after that was done, I began to eat the candies. I raised the small idol shaped like Batman's face to my mouth and tilted his lifeless head backwards, his eyes staring at me, clearly begging me to stop, if not for my own sake then for those who will find the oncoming slew of obscenities offensive.
I paused for a moment to contemplate the implications of my actions. Batman's face was clearly awash with morbid anticipation. He's done this before, the poor bugger.
Pez is without any kind of doubt in the realm of realistic thought a ridiculous candy. We eat hideous, chalky candies in an extravagant and unnecessary dispenser shaped like a character's face. We peel back the character's head and eat these pellets from inside their neck. Let me just say, without so much as even a hint of hesitation: what the fucking fuck?
I ate the candy. I nearly vomited on my floor with an ambivalent mix of rage, disgust and (most prominently) utter confusion.
What barely human, masochistic fool created such a "candy"? It tastes like chalk and turd mixed in a large pot made from some variety of solid piss. It is completely, 100%, totally, ultimately, surely, highly, really, very, quite, extremely, absurd, ridiculous and sad that people must feel the need to not only fill the void in their life with candy, but to do so with this horrid excuse for a food.
Reading the above paragraph only makes it evident that I need to tone down my thesaurus-reading prowess. And my thesaurus-perusing power. And my thesaurus-viewing skill. And my thesaurus-comprehension ability.
Anyway, in short: I find Pez candies and their attached dispensers over the top and silly, as far as candies go. Why use them? Why eat them? Why buy them? Most importantly, why invent them?
Recollection: Money.
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