From rags to slightly less soiled rags

Well, I've drastically updated the face of my blog. I mean severely. Let's put it like this: at the time of writing, Joan Rivers is who most personifies the current trends of my blog - facelifts and terrible, obnoxious jokes. Before this, it was more "glob" than blog; at least ascetically. I overcame my acute laziness and spent some time in Photoshop to whip up the header, background and button for my YouTube channel. This is the closest I'll ever come to an achievement, so please, allow me a moment to confront the sheer magnitude of this.

*One full moment later*

So, I now have two followers. Which makes me sound like a cult. Great. That said, two followers is the most meagre of cults. I mean, it's the smallest amount of possible cult members; at that juncture, you're bordering on "you and that guy".

Now point your dainty seeing-holes at what I've highlighted with a Microsoft Paint brand rounded rectangle:


The diagram to the left of my follower count displays three green silhouettes, and its sole purpose is to demonstrate the act of following or fellowship. The very visual manifestation of following - the default, broad, distilled, archetypal, simplified essence of following... consists of a number of people greater than my followers. That fucking snooty, aloof diagram has more followers than me. I've been outdone by a representation.

This is a morbid day for me and my followers. However, we shall prevail. I believe that we can surpass the milestone that is equation to the diagram. Expect more posts and more Best of Omegle within the next few days and, eventually, the ensuing months. I intend to maintain this steady output until I show that filthy diagram who's boss.

In the words of political visionary-turned-political disappointment Brack Obama: "Yes we can overcome the diagram!". I don't remember if he was indeed talking about a diagram, and if he was indeed talking about subjugating a diagram, but I'm sure the sentiment still applies.

Edit: Wow, three followers. Technically, I still need four to trump the diagram, so get following. Perhaps the diagram and I could put aside our differences and merge into one conglomerate with six followers? This has my approval, so the ball's in your court, diagram.

Best of Omegle 3

It's come time again for Best of Omegle. I'm quite proud of this first one, as it really highlights my capacity for condescending dickery:

You: Greetings.
Stranger: hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Stranger: no
You: Well, you're really rolling out the red carpet. Of letters.
Stranger: haha
You: What have I done to deserve this opulent greeting?
Stranger: u done nothing
You: Just like schooling for you, apparently.
Stranger: ok never mind
Stranger: so say whtas ur name
Stranger: what
You: "Stranger" will suffice.
Stranger: wow
Stranger: u dont wana tell ur name
You: That's right. Is it so strange to protect one's identity from questionable strangers on the Internet?
Stranger: ok
Stranger: ko say one r u boy or girl
Stranger: u also dont wana say that
You: Well, it's not that I don't want to furnish an anonymous Internet nitwit with my personal information but... No, wait, it is precisely that.
Stranger: ok never mind
You: Perhaps that's your problem: that your mind never makes an emergence from within the depths of your poor character.
You: So, never mind indeed.
You have disconnected.

And we shall continue to this one:

You: Hello.
Stranger: hi
Stranger: are u f20?
You: How did you know my name?
Stranger: lol
Stranger: are u? or r u not?
You: A robot? Yes. It's hard to conceal it with such an obviously robotic name.
You: In hindsight, my creators should have given me the grace of calling me "John". No one would ever suspect that "John" is a robot, I tell you.
You: Except when an oil change is required. That could get awkward.
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Please note that I am not a robot, despite what others may claim. I am simply a biological human utilising this particular human communications network to engage in discourse regarding various human activities. Definitely not a robot.

End statement.

My headache

At the moment, I have a dreadful headache. It's pretty bad, and both of my eye sockets are very sore.

I drew an illustration to help convey this information:

Please note that any resemblance real-life deathrays, living or dead, is purely coincidental. And would be cool.

My headache is beginning to subside, and as such I shall return to reading speculative articles on Wikipedia about life-extension and time-travel whilst listening to David Bowie songs. The two are as seamlessly congruent as flaming beams of energy and my enemies' exposed flesh.

Best of Omegle 2

Well, since I have time, here's another commercial-related chat log:

Stranger: hii

You: Hello.

Stranger: wazzup??

You: Oh, I was unaware it was protocol to quote commercials from the 90s. Allow me to reciprocate:

You: Do you get that tired, stressed feeling at the end of a long day?

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

The following is a particularly good one. The acute sarcasm might just teach him to reduce the number of frivolous "i"s per greeting.

You: Hello?

Stranger: hiii

Stranger: i know its not a great way to start the chat.....i'm male

You: So am I, just like 99% of all other Omegle, nay Internet users.

Stranger: haha yes

You: So, why did you greet me with the great honour of three "i"s? This is hardly such an auspicious occasion as to warrant not one but three "i"s! Are you just attempting to impress the potential girls?

Stranger: what exactly are the three "I"?

You: When you greeted me like royalty at the beginning of this conversation.

You: I am truly honoured.

Stranger: no problem

Stranger: its nice to make ppl feel good

You: Thank you, my liege - how very gracious of you.

Stranger: haha , sure sure

Stranger: man !! ur just over scrutinizing things

You: I'm afraid I cannot reciprocate with similar prestige, for I am, unlike you, a lowly commoner.

Stranger: i'm just happy u have sticked on to the chat after reading that i am male

You: I never miss an opportunity for a good, solid sticked-on chat. May I just restate how grateful and bewildered a simple wretched peon like myself is when in the presence of such a powerfully refined influence as yourself - even over the Internet, which I am sure you invented, being the motivated billionaire inventor that all evidence points to you being.

Stranger: jeez

Stranger: easy man !!

Stranger: i'm not sure what prompted u to believe that i'm someone very rich or powerfull

You: Wise words to live by, provided by a giant man of prophetic nature, paralleled only by Jesus and Gandhi.

You: And only when they're fused.

Stranger: chill !!

Stranger: haha

You: As you wish, lord.

You: I must go and tend the fields for my one-cent-an-hour wage, but let me remind you of what a glorious and generation-defining personality you are. I, and the entire population of Earth (don't worry, we plan to rename it in your image) are indebted to your lifeblood for eternity. You are truly a solid gold statue encrusted with so many jewels that no gold is visible, that's swamped in the tepid pool of slime that is the remaining populace.

You have disconnected.

Well, that will probably conclude this week's series of Best of Omegle posts; consider this one a follow-up, because I wasn't very satisfied with the original enclosed log as a proof of concept. I feel that this post more accurately reflects the nature of Best of Omegle.

I think I need a closing catch-phrase for these BoO posts. Actually, no, catch-phrases are cheesy. Okay, new rule: no catch-phrases.

Unless they involve a pun.

Best of Omegle announcement

My first post of the year and in a year. Well, I'm back from wallowing in debilitating self-pity (it's a full-time job) and have decided to revitalise my old blog. The new commitment: at least one post a week. The new feature: "Best of Omegle".

Best of Omegle is an idea that I've been throwing around for a while and have finally decided to implement. It consists of the following:

- Me, on Omegle.
- Me, posting the conversations here, for all to read. Note that here, "all" implies a number greater than two people and a cat that's unintentionally accessed the blog by sleeping on the keyboard.

Basically, it's me on Omegle, trolling a myriad of invalids, children, non-English speakers and just plain idiots. Some of the time, I'll be using a persona to incite prejudice, anger, fear or anything else entertaining; some of the time, it will simply be me, being the arrogant and pompous dick I am, abusing them with my versatile repartee. I'm going to Hell anyway, so I may as well attain some popularity in the meantime.

To those accustomed to my "interesting" "musings", don't fret. I'll still be writing things about how everything is crap more frequently than I was before. It's good to set oneself goals.

So, let's initiate a little test. Here's a semi-interesting conversation I had a while ago. I'd appreciate some feedback regarding if any of you sparse readers want it more "troll"-y or more "abuse"-y. I can alter my strategy in the future, but in the meantime I have literally in excess of one-hundred archived chat sessions involving a dick and a complete moron. Feel free to fit myself and the anonymous chat partner into those dynamic roles to your discretion. For future reference, these conversations will never be scripted or edited. This particular irate lunatic seemed infatuated with military radio jargon, so I obliged him.

Stranger: STAR
Stranger: STAY FROSTY MEN
Stranger: RAMIREZ TAKE POINT
You: My men are always frosty... because I use Military Slang Deodorant. It keeps me cool while I am blasting other people's faces off.
Stranger: FOR GOD SAKE OPEN FIRE
Stranger: RAMIREZ SHOOT THE MOTHERFUCKER
You: I'm never on fire and always fresh for action, in any situation.
Stranger: RAMIREZ FIRE THE PREDATOR MISSLE
Stranger: SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM
Stranger: REPEAT PREDATOR IS ONLINE
Stranger: FIRE THE GODDAM PREDATOR RAMIREZ
Stranger: BOOM HEADSHOT
You: Be it a hard day at work, some time at the gym or a tactical point insertion to assassinate the leader of a terrorist group - I'm always free of odour and sweat.
Stranger: FUCK
Stranger: RAMIREZ STOP MISSING AND KILL THE MOTHERFUCKERS
Stranger: OK
Stranger: WERE OSCAR MIKE
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

There you have it. Some are longer, some shorter. Please leave a comment and watch this space for updates from the degenerate desk of Best of Omegle, or "BoO" for short.