Ain't no post title obvious enough to to keep me from using it

I was bored at 3:00 A.M. (what else is 3:00 A.M. for?) the other night and decided to make a list of "unused lyrics" from the song Ain't No Mountain High Enough, by some African-American artist that I couldn't care less about. Let's see this list of lists, shall we? No, we shall not. Before you freeloader(s) abuse my infinite generosity by having me give my absolutely masterful use of puns and observations away for free, I want to talk about some things I am working on - or rather muddling up with my over-enthusiastic lack of skill and knowledge.

I'm currently working on a small-ish (it might grow larger as it progresses) map for Half-Life 2: Episode Two, tentatively called "travel". As it currently stands, it consists of a room, a tunnel, a pool of water and some rocky debris, but as my legion of faithful readers know, I am dearly committed to a fully-functioning and consistent product that delivers what it promises. Every aspect of this experience (the word "map" is far too limiting for my scope of creativity) is planned out and looks absolutely engaging, entertaining, challenging and -let's not kid about here- perfect in my mind, which is the best piece of paper that any designer could ever hope for, lest their eyeballs don't explode like poorly-wired fireworks that take off a small child's hand due to the very complex and powerful... power of my brain.

Now, let's continue with tonight's scheduled content. Here's the list:

Ain't no...
- Curry spicy enough.
- C.D. scratched enough.
- Armchair comfy enough.
- Ikea maze-like enough.
- Online game laggy enough.
- Elderly person incontinent enough.
- Pen lost enough.
- British sit-com bawdy enough.
- Scrubs episode overly pseudo-quirky enough.
- 16-year-old skin-diseasey enough.
- R.P.G. menu-driven enough.
- Poorly constructed electronics Chinese enough.
- Difficult-to-spell word difficult enough to spell... enough.
- Poorly constructed sentence poorly constructed enough. See above.
- Hat unnecessary enough.
- Alarm clock alarming enough.
- Teen vampire novel shallow enough.
- Old sneakers smelly enough.
- /b/ thread pointless enough.
- Flintstones Stone Age pun lame enough.
- Morning bed sheets inexplicably gritty enough.
- Internet fame fleeting enough.
- Wireless device difficult-to-connect enough.
- List long enough.
...To keep me from posting it.

So there we go; the fruit of my 3:00 A.M. creativity. How sadly telling that is... Anyway, the map is coming along and will very soon be fully functioning, if not considerably moreso. Yes, it makes sense to me.

Actually...

After the previous post was added, I decided to look back at the past few pages of drivel that I have added over the months. One in particular made me squeal with nervousness. I saw my handwriting in the hand-written portions of "Amish Time!" and realised a horrible, bone-shattering truth:

My handwriting is shit as all Hell. That is all.

Back in low-key action!

Greetings. It has been a while between posts and I felt that I really must... post. I am getting rusty, aren't I? Several important and extremely relevant happenings... happened during the time between posts, so let's clear them up, shall we? I have a feeling that this clear-up will be as shoddy as one taking place in a cheap Chinese resturant called "We Sever Food". For starters, or more accurately, starter:

- KFZ is lacking a community, players and maps. I bet you're glad to see that not too much has changed since our last exchange, then. The admin swapped clans and then (less than 24 hours later) left this ominous Other Clan and renamed the server "Kentucky Fried Zombies IS BACK!!". It's always good to know that the admins are serious about a player base that they have cultivated. Right.

For the main course, or as I like to call it - the focus de jour:

- I got a new graphics card. Yes. No foolies. I finally have obtained the Crystal Skull to my Indiana Jones. Except that it doesn't rape an entire franchise to death with poor marketing and a greedy producer. I won't go into specifics, but let's say that it's over 5 times better than my old dinosaur-pelt card that I used to use. I am so excited, this calls for the use of my emergency celebratory ASCII art. Here goes!

   O
--[]--
   II

I like to call this piece the "It looked more triumphant in my mind...".

- I bought Fallout 3 Game of the Year Edition. This has all the great, great, goodness of Fallout 3 with the downloadable content packs already on disc, so no messy downloading. Always good for the 12 G.B. limit.

Anyway, I have been powering through Fallout 3 and its contained universe for about 9 of 30 player levels, and am not nearly prepared to be ready to even begin considering reading the Wikipedia article on getting bored; this is good news, as I am not done killing innocent people or enslaving them for money (and memories that will last a lifetime - those are the real reward!).

This post draws to a close as I can finally and definitively proclaim that I, Fatt Daddy Inc., can game. Maybe not forever, maybe not with Crysis on the "Professional" graphics settings, but damn fine and with a great framerate. I've also had a little stint on Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare's multiplayer and enjoyed it up until rank 30-ish. It just became samey, but was fun for about two weeks.

That's it for this exposition-laiden edition of "My life is boring but at least I have games!"; remember to read the next post, coming soon-ish. Well, whenever I can pull myself out of the wastelands and stop stealing people's items and selling them back to them.

Same shit time (sort of), same shit channel (well, page). Actually, really should stop stealing material from the old Batman series. Firstly, it's not transferrable and secondly, it's more camp than a row of tents.

Amish time!

*Open these in new windows to enlarge them*

I did my part, now you do yours. You know what I want... That's right, toast and chips.

Anyway, a new video was released a while ago, but being the lazy individual that I most certainly am, I could not bother to post about it. Soon, more news of the graphics card!

Irritable bowel syndrome tablet

I just dusted off my old Wacom tablet, installed the drivers and made this poorly-drawn comic to test both the tablet and my artistic prowess. One of those two things passed the test to my satisfaction. Try to guess which item passed.



Not entirely hilarious, but somewhat poignant, I like to think.

A promise is a promise... Or is it?

This post exists purely due to my wanting at least one post a month. Since it is 9:40 P.M. on August 30, I am well within the buffer zone.

I'm quite sure that it will come as no surprise that my I.Q. is well above the average. How much you ask? Well, perhaps one day you'll be as smart as me and therefore able to comprehend numbers greater than 7. You're still asking? You obnoxious git. That's no way to treat your obviously superior future leader/genocidal king/retail manager. So when you shuffle into a clothing store of the future, ask for some knitwear and are unable to be alive due to having a somewhat stubborn predisposition of mediocrity, we'll see who the real "delusional invalid" is, won't we? Wait, you're still asking the specific amount of points by which my I.Q. is above-average? Whatever, my I.Q. is 132.

Now, your small-brained head may be questioning (with limited understanding of the very words you murder) the validity of my score. I'll have you know that the test was judged by a top board of scholars. The flashing banner ad said so, just under its many asterisks and conditions that I needn't molest my valuable time with. Only plebeians use written words. In my new world order, we will all make use of a complex system of blinks that I myself have conceived. I am merely engaging in such a simplistic medium for the benefit of this readership. That's right, Enrique, that means you.

At the conclusion of this test (I like to call it "THE TEST!" because as everyone knows, capitals make it true; henceforth, the test shall be referred to as THE TEST!), I was prompted to celebrate by entering my bank details into the text box next to the Flash frog. I am still awaiting my novelty cheque.

So, may you all bask in my glowing glory glow from down in the gutter (specially-built for dullards) as copies of THE TEST! are dropped from monkey-piloted space-craft, designed by me and my crack team of French supermodels.

So yeah, this is simply me fulfilling my promise to myself that I would provide one post per month, at the very least. No-one cares except my one fan: that strange Spanish man who has begun to send me emails about the mould in his house and how much it looks like Jesus. Brilliant.

To Pez or not to Pez...

Today I bought a Pez and accompanying dispenser for "ol' times' sake". By "ol' times' sake", of course I mean nostalgic, wishy-washy consumerism. That old thing. Anyway, after I got home, I cut open the bubble packaging and attempted to load the infernal contraption. It was hard. Very hard. Extremely hard. It may possibly be the single most difficult feat known to man. To attempt to load a Pez dispenser is the most fiddly, frustrating, fruitless and deadly endeavour that could ever be conceived by a fevered mental patient. So after that was done, I began to eat the candies. I raised the small idol shaped like Batman's face to my mouth and tilted his lifeless head backwards, his eyes staring at me, clearly begging me to stop, if not for my own sake then for those who will find the oncoming slew of obscenities offensive.

I paused for a moment to contemplate the implications of my actions. Batman's face was clearly awash with morbid anticipation. He's done this before, the poor bugger.

Pez is without any kind of doubt in the realm of realistic thought a ridiculous candy. We eat hideous, chalky candies in an extravagant and unnecessary dispenser shaped like a character's face. We peel back the character's head and eat these pellets from inside their neck. Let me just say, without so much as even a hint of hesitation: what the fucking fuck?

I ate the candy. I nearly vomited on my floor with an ambivalent mix of rage, disgust and (most prominently) utter confusion.

What barely human, masochistic fool created such a "candy"? It tastes like chalk and turd mixed in a large pot made from some variety of solid piss. It is completely, 100%, totally, ultimately, surely, highly, really, very, quite, extremely, absurd, ridiculous and sad that people must feel the need to not only fill the void in their life with candy, but to do so with this horrid excuse for a food.

Reading the above paragraph only makes it evident that I need to tone down my thesaurus-reading prowess. And my thesaurus-perusing power. And my thesaurus-viewing skill. And my thesaurus-comprehension ability.

Anyway, in short: I find Pez candies and their attached dispensers over the top and silly, as far as candies go. Why use them? Why eat them? Why buy them? Most importantly, why invent them?

Recollection: Money.

Unfortunate misfortune with a dash of bad luck

I've not been blogging too much lately, and this is because this blog is crap and has no readers. One little tidbit (or is it "titbit"? No, that's crap, it sounds a bit sexy. On the other hand, it sounds a bit sexy!) of of-course-this-happened-to-me situation happened to me today, and I thought that I would like to share it with the world*.

There I was having a shit and- wait; some people might find the phrase "having a shit" offensive... Okay, I'll kindergarten it up for those pansies. There I was having a crap and- hmm... Is that still too strong a wording? There I was minding my own business (boom tish!) and I hear a high-pitched yelp from inside my living-room. My heart skips a beat, as though it were a Caucasian dancer. It was one of my two small dogs; Considering their acrobatic prowess, I thought it highly likely that one of them jumped onto a chair, missed and hurt a little twig-like leg. Stupid, weak animals (note to self: teach dogs about natural selection, then teach myself how to use a gun).

In my mind, I deliberated the options:

1 - Continue to produce waste into the receptacle, casually wipe and check the damage at a later time, as though nothing happened. I like to call this plan "The Plan That I Should Have Taken".

2 - Rush out, pants at my ankles, butt covered in bowl-presents and check my dogs. I like to call this plan "The Maternal Mother Plan, But Seeing As I Am Neither Female Nor A Mother I Really Should Rename It".

3 - Somewhere in between. This plan involves the hurried wiping reminiscent of a cheap maid and a brown patch on the inside of my pants, also reminiscent of that same cheap maid.

I chose plan 3. Aren't I the clever one? I wiped poorly, leaving somewhat of a "you missed a spot" spot on my cheeks. Fly unbuttoned, I waddled to check my living room. Not a trek, but enough to turn my underpants into that second bathroom I've always wanted. The dogs were fine - my guess is that one of them did fall off of a chair or slip over, but was fine and simply yelped because of its sissy nature. Those dogs need to be culled for scientific purposes, à la Japan. Did anyone else think that that sounded like I want Japan culled? Well, if it makes you feel better, I didn't mean that the entirety of Japan needs to be culled, just those that hunt whales.

I hobbled back to the bathroom, lowering my trousers as I walked, hoping in vain to minimise the damage like some sort of washroom army general. I have many medals, and no one can take that away from and old veteran like me. I sat down without even looking at the inside of my underwear and began to wipe. Luckily for me, my underpants were kind enough to do it for me! They're a true friend. How many others would be willing to wipe your cheeks all in the name of camaraderie?

Fucking life. Really. It's like some strange sit-com where no one watches, yet it is not cancelled despite the actor and writer's wishes! It probably screens on Fox, considering their pathetic misinterpretation of good as bad and vice versa.

Or perhaps the dogs simply set me up, yelping to get my attention and send me carreening out of the toilet, ready to kiss booboos and bandaid scrapes with a Toy Story bandaid. I bet they're laughing right now... That's it, I am looking into those books on Amazon.com as I type.

*Since when did the world become three people?

New happenings

Please excuse my lackluster wording, as it is 9:30 in the morning.

Some things have happened in between my previous post and this one. The Sniper and Spy unlockables (as well as several new maps and bug fixes/alterations) have been released for Team Fortress 2. This is good.

My Internet connection has been capped due to downloading 3 G.B. server software - don't worry, my download limit isn't 3 G.B., but I usually fill up about 85% of my 20 G.B. limit.

Michael Jackson has died. I will not resort to cheap jokes... or will I? Yes, I will. I apologise for my behavioural discrepancy there for a moment and will try never to do that again.

Now small boys won't have to check their closets for the Bogeyman - because he's dead.

Let's just hope he doesn't come back as a zombie, or we'll all be really, really, really entertained.

No amount of plastic surgery can help a crook heart.

The headline on tomorrow's papers: "Michael Jackson dead - boy scouts rejoice.".

That's enough for me now, as I prepare my flame suit. But hey, if the King of Pop has taught us anything, it's that bad publicity is still publicity. Isn't it just right that I use his methodology to capitalise on his death? That was rhetorical, of course.

Yes, I never really liked the little black man. I am talking about Michael Jackson, of course.

Insert usless title here. Or not; I'm up for whatever...

Again, I am sitting here late at night, watching Back to the Future and committing myself to this fruitless blog. One of my friends claims that the 90s teenage sit-com Kenan and Kel is better than Futurama. This is ludicrous! Futurama's themes of social and political satire are witty and presented with a great plot. We can associate our current sociopolitical state with the post-war/famine/holocaust hellhole of the 30th century. How can one relate to Kenan and Kel? "Oh no, I accidentally locked myself in a neighbour's house!" or "Oh no, we ran out of orange soda!" or "Oh no, my father hates my bumbling comic-foil of a best friend and expressed his rage through the majestic medium of screaming!". It doesn't nearly have the same effect, eh? My friend obviously has some more thinking to do regarding his television favouritism.

Speaking of Futurama, I am in a constant, permanent and invariable state of elation now that Futurama has been renewed for a second time! This is wonderful news for myself and all people like myself. Nerds. You happy now? I said what we were all thinking. Well, I typed what we were all thinking. Well, I typed what I was thinking. Well, to be honest, I'm really not too sure if I even thought that, come to think of it. What, I'm confused - what am I thinking about again?

But enough of that tired joke, here's one that I prepared earlier! I thought of a new superhero called Efficient Online Game Man. He is able to use his special Internet Vision to seek out playable servers! He is faster than a nerd's connection! He's able to leap Asian pings in a single bound! He can refresh his server list faster than you can say "Kicked: Ping was too high." Meh, it looked better in my mind, rather than on the Internet where everyone can see my abominations unto humor.

As far as the videos are coming, they are not. I am lazily flicking through various YouTube videos for a new Fake Translation, as well as a Brady Bunch parody and a very introspective yet funny mash-up of clips. That's all that I will divulge as of yet because you, lone reader, require an incentive to visit again! Please tell me that you're going to visit again. Please. I need people to admire me... *sobs*...

I am unsure as to how to end this post (what's new?), so as I have done so well in the past, I will simply allow the momentum of this paragraph to peter out into obscurity.

...

The end? Is that what I should write? Yeah, that'll do.

Just another typical post

Before I go any further (or anywhere at all), I wish to liberate myself from any sticky formalities that I have inadvertently established for myself throughout the life of this blog:

- There are new videos on the way; consisting of a new Fake Translations video and a mystery video.
- I am getting a new graphics card.
- I am bored.
- No one reads this.

With those phatic trivialities out the imaginary window, let's start by actually writing something of merit.

...

...






...


















...











Wait, did I write "something of merit"? Shit, I think someone slipped me something again.

*Sigh*...

This is bullshit. When I was a sperm, life seemed like a wonderful prospect full of whimsy, wonderment and constant adventure... But the experience that I kindly refer to as a "life" is hardly the whirlwind of unimaginable adventure that the recruiting video promised it would be. Instead, it's filled with disappointment, lack of fulfillment and a large group of idiots called the General Population. I thought that I could live with this for a while; every now and again, my essence drained to empty, but I got on with it and re-built myself. I really have had enough now.

No, you can all relax. This is not some attention-grabbing prelude to hanging myself. It is simply a shout and a rant, so that anyone who reads this (that's right, both of you) can get some kind of idea of life for others and hopefully apply it to themselves and become a better person. That is all I use the blog for - some mild entertainment for myself, some mild entertainment for others and a learning experience for us all. I've not really talked about my intentions for the blog, or even why I felt the need to create it. And I never will. Probably, that is. Perhaps in the future I will look back at these poorly-edited posts and think about my past - and elaborate for all three of the readers that I will have gained in all of those years. But right now, I feel no need to discuss the very boring and to be honest, very ordinary circumstances that led to me giving birth to this blog out of my anus.

Whatever, I'll do it now. Boredom. That's it. I was bored, and wanted to tell everyone about it, like most bloggers - unlike most bloggers, however, I wish that my reader(s) may gain some insight into the Human condition and apply it to their own lives. Wanky enough for you yet, or would you like me to ejaculate all over the screen?

Please do not email me asking for a picture of me ejaculating on a screen. That would be a bit weird.


Anyway, this sign off will be a regular sign off.

That's it.

See? I told you it would be regular... Oh shit, paradox! *Head explodes*.

Please do not email me asking for a picture of my head exploding. My face head, that is.

Fuck

Fuck. That's right, I've resorted to the gratuitous swearing, and much faster than most people! I am a true visionary indeed - ahead of my time, some might say. And some might be right. I thank you for all of your support, some.

My sheer infallible talents aside (but how could we ever really ignore them, as they pound at us all with their cacophony of brilliance?), I am in the process of making some new videos. Already, I have released KFCranky, a slight follow-up to KFCreepy, except that there are no similar characters, plots, jokes, shots, sounds or themes. Except for KFC. And ads. And subtitles. And manic, enraged freaks; but this is a common theme to all of my videos. I mostly chose the similar subject matter because fast food ads are usually fairly light-hearted, and this one was no exception.

Aside from describing my videos, this post has another motive (somewhat ulterior) that is rather important to the life of the blog. How ironic that something with life can come from something with no life. Take that, creationists. Anyway, it should be known that I am attempting to post more on the blog; a lot more. Expect more posts more often.

That's it.

Losing Steam

I really need a new graphics card. Now that the epoch of Realtek is over, I can focus on my research of graphics cards for my computer. The thing is, I am losing steam with gaming - don't get me wrong, I love games more than any other media, but the games that I am currently stuck with are not really cutting it anymore. They're:

- Team Fortress 2
- Left 4 Dead
- Counter-Strike: Source
- Garry's Mod

As great as they are, I am losing my patience. Team Fortress 2 is great! I have all of the new weapons now, thanks to Valve's shonky re-addition of milestones, but this is not enough to keep my interest. I feel that Left 4 Dead is great and that I've not spent enough time with it, but there is hardly a community for it anymore, and if there is, they are all American (I am Australian); this coupled with the really, really, really, really bad matchmaking system is enough to make me stop playing all together. Let's not forget about the lack of campaigns and the looming take-over of Left 4 Dead 2, but that rant is for another post. Counter-Strike: Source is suffering from the same problem as Team Fortress 2: not enough variety. And Garry's Mod? Nothing too wrong with it, except that I am really craving a nice, long, heavy, story-driven single player experience. I know where to find it, too.

Fallout 3 eludes me with its shiny, crisp graphics that would fry my poor nVidia 9400 GT. Sure the card has 1 G.B. of RAM, but the RAM of a video card hardly makes a difference these days... Sure, technically I could run Fallout 3, but forget branching story lines and free-roaming exploration; my only two in-game choices would be to either run it on low or run it on medium and endure the lag.

I don't lie to myself and pretend that everyone wants to hear how I feel, unlike so many other bloggers. I understand that you must be reading (or most likely not reading) in search of some kind of gain for yourself - so I will end on some sort of mildly humorous joke or anecdote that is more likely to make you wince than laugh. That way, no one can say I didn't at least try to be entertaining.

What do a proctologist and an accountant have in common? They both work it out with a pencil. What do a prostitute and a good accountant have in common? They both work it out with their head.

Ahh... How shithouse.

Fonts

What do I love talking about most? Mundane shit! That's right, fuck current affairs and my point of view on humanity - we're talking italics and bold. I understand what bold does. It expresses heavy emphasis on a phrase, word or even a particilar letter in a word; this makes sense. Italics? I have no idea. Is it to illustrate that the italiced word is to be read with an altered inflection? All words are pronounced with different inflections, depending on who you are and how much lung cancer you have. Perhaps it's relative to the reader.

What I like about italics, however, is that if an entire paragraph is italiced up, anything within it that requires a different inflection is put into non-italics. It's a great irony that makes me realise just how empty my life must be for me to notice such things. For instance:

When will my dry cleaning be ready? Thought John. I have been waiting for ages for those mustard stains to be removed!

Above, "ages" was the un-italiced word. See? Of course you do, thanks to my freakishly over-developed explaining skills. The one application of both bold and italics that I despise, however, are sentences or words that are in both italics and bold. Exaple:

"No!" John screamed at his dry cleaner; the small Asian man cowering behind his table full of various cleaning fluids. "I wanted the mustard stains removed, but I wanted you to leave the semen stains as they were!"

Now doesn't the word "leave" just look a tad flashy? I think so. And that's why I am lobbying to get Proposition 254 passed, barring italics and bold from coming within three words of eachother.

Back with a vengeance... and no new TF2 weapons

I have been away, and I'm sure I was both missed and mourned due to my overwhelming internet presence. My wonder-riffic P.C. showed me just how much it loved me, and decided to obtain yet another incompatible and corrupt file.

Before I continue, I'd just like to point out that I have changed my name to Sarcasm S. Sarcasmson, as you can plainly see in my previous paragraph. Wow, I've got a handle on this sarcasm thing and I can be subtle. Why aren't I president of the world yet?

Anyway, after four weeks of sitting on a shelf at Harvey Norman, I have my beloved computer back, minus every issue I have ever had with her. Yes. The Realtek HD Audio Manager has been fixed. It is the end of an era. It's like my blog is now in season two. Or something. Luckily, everything was backed up, and I am happier than a hippy who has just found one hundred dollars in a sack made out of un-narkable hemp. Right up until the day after I had my beloved back at home with me, that is.

You see, Team Fortress 2 updated two of the nine playable classes. For those who don't know what Team Fortress 2 is, please see enclosed Appendix 1. Due to an overwhelming negative response to the previous method of unlocking the various alternate weapons, Valve decided to do something a tad different with this new update. Instead of a set of achievements determining what weapons were unlocked, it is now relying on random chance. One (meaning me, of course) could even unlock weapons that they already had. Wow, what a great system for a fast-paced, action-oriented online first-person shooter.

So far, after about 30 hours of play (including leaving my game on overnight), I have unlocked three duplicate items that I already have. I am not going to complain like so many others on the Steam forums, but I will say this:

WTF?!

Obnoxious fonts aside, my weekend is ruined - downed in a pool of useless and frustrating duplicate items.

I did make a new video, though. Check it out on my YouTube channel. That's all for now, three people and that Spanish man. He's my biggest fan - no really, he's sending me emails nearly every "día"... Emails of things you do not want to have in your food.


________________________________________________________
APPENDIX:

1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/TF2.

Pinch me, I must be stupid...

Has it ever occurred to anyone, that the painfully oft-used cliche of "Pinch me, I must be dreaming..." really makes no logical sense whatsoever? Think about it. One usually feels "pain" within a dream, anyway! It accomplishes nothing but wanky, redundant "dramatic effect". In fact, when is the last time that you even asked that in a dream? The saying should be "I am asking this, so I must not be in a dream!".

That aside, I am about to buy a new graphics card and, wait for it: actually  my Realtek HD Audio Manager fixed! Seriously. No joking. This is so historic, I think it deserves a paragraph break.

There we go. I am thinking of getting an nVidia GeForce 200 series, but you never know. The evil temptation that is ATI may seduce me. But more research must be done before such a purchase is made, considering high-end graphics cards are fairly expensive, I can't fuck around with this.

On a less-geeky note (are those notes even in my vernacular?), I am beginning to really take an interest in the British Science-Fiction series Red Dwarf... Wait, did I say less-geeky? I meant to say supporting of the argument that I have no life. It is really great, though. The humour and story elements hold up for a viewer who has never seen it before now (me) and I am sure that nearly every episode could still hook in a veteran of the series (not me) if they happened to catch a glimpse of the opening titles while flicking across T.V. stations on a Fri night. The theme-tune is very catchy, also - it has become a shower favourite, right behind Still Alive from Portal.

That's about all for now; a new video is coming soon. Well, right as soon as a begin work on it. Which is after I configure Sony Vegas. Which is right after I learn how to configure Sony Vegas. Which will be whenever. Also, I am working to get regular readers for this blog because as it stands, I think that the total readership is a friend of mine and a 40-year-old Spanish man who was in the mood for discount footwear but happened upon my previous post instead (mental note: thank Google!). The process of drawing in new readers is what I like to call "A two step process". Very technical, I know, but try not to lose focus. Here it is:

Step 1: Regulate post addition and (possibly) subtraction and multiplication. Wait, scratch those last two... This involves me writing better posts and submitting them more often and more regularly.

Step 2: Bask in readership. This one is more esoteric than Step 1, due to the fact that it may not happen. Here's hoping that Google, in all of its omnipotence, sends another elderly Spanish man unto my blog.

That's it.

Este puesto es en español!

WARNING - THIS POST IS IN SPANISH FOR NO REASON!

Este puesto será en español sin ningún motivo. Yo no hablo español, por lo que han utilizado el traductor de Google. Si usted ha leído esto, usted sabe, ya sea español o que sepa como usar el traductor de Google. ¡Bien hecho! Ahora que los trámites son atendidos, quiero hacer mis blogs:

- Nada de lo que está sucediendo
- Yo no he fijado mi Realtek HD Audio Manager
- No es una lectura de este
- Broma sobre algo que apenas nadie lo entienda

Tú sabes, cosas de la costumbre ...

Posty McPostson

Some things that have and have not happened that involve me and/or people or things that I know or are of interest to me:

- I now have admin on KFZ, which allows me to kick and/or ban players, change the map, call votes, noclip and a variety of other abilities that I can use to give myself an unfair advantage that I can laugh about.
- I finished my Zombie Panic: Source! map and submitted it to KFZ and we all play it often. I wasn't planning on it being so popular, but I enjoy playing it, so I care not.
- I have not yet fixed my Realtek HD Audio Manager. Wow, what has it been, like two months?

That's it, really. No new videos, because (believe it or not) I am quite busy at the moment.

It's 11:06 P.M. on a Wednes and I am sitting here watching some episode of Lost and I have no idea about what is going on. You (by which I mean no one except perhaps one of my friends) my have noticed that I called "Wednesday" simply as "Wednes". That is because it is a waste of time to type, write or say the "-day" part since every day of the week ends with "-day". I will not address this ever again, so take note. Here are some other things that haunt us with their redundancy:

- The "04-" at the beginning of a mobile phone number.
- Most phrases like "It's hot today..." or "My, that wind is fierce!" because if one was saying this to someone near them, both people would already know this. The only time that this may be appropriate to say was if there was a difference of opinion that one person was attempting to address.

I am plagued by it being 11:00 P.M. too much to continue this post, but I will close with this statement which is what I am hearing on television at this exact moment. Try, if you so wish, to find some philosophical meaning in this and then apply it to your own life. Or not - I really could not give half a shit.

*Close up of a pair of arms wheeling a wheelchair. The spokes are spinning*
"Let me help you."
"Did you find her?"
"Who?"
"Helen; the woman I was talking about. Your job is to get people to where they need to get to, well I need to get to her..."

Some kinda' record!

Wow, two posts in as many days - that has to be some kind of record here... Anyway, it's Monday, and I want to play Zombie Panic! Source like hell, but no one is on KFZ, so I am stuck here posting on this tumble weed-filled blog of mine.

On another note, I just finished watching Back to the Future Part III. Not quite as strong as the first two, if only because of the change of setting. It fits well into my theory. In trilogies, the best film is always the second, the second best is always the first and the worst is always the third. Think about it:

- The Matrix
- The Lord of the Rings
- Austin Powers
- Back to the Future
- the original Star Wars trilogy
- Indiana Jones (not counting the recent (crap) addition)

Try to think up some of your own! Who am I kidding? No one reads this...

Anyway, I have a new record to break: the longest time between blog posts! That dead guy will have to move over!

Nothing to do...

I am sitting at my desk, watching Back to the Future Part II and tap-tap-tapping away at my G15. That's it. It's not until one tries to do something that one realises just how uneventful life is.

On a less boring note (but only slightly less boring, mind), I have finished a project that I have been working on for about a week and a half - a Zombie Panic! Source map. Basically, the human team is required to make it to the end of a long corridor, while the zombie team must stop them by activating various traps to kill them. My first entry into Source mapping, and I like to think that it's at least a bit of fun to play on the server that I frequent, called KFZ (Kentucky Fried Zombie).

For anyone who doesn't know what Zombie Panic! Source is, get fucked. Look it up, I dunno. What am I, your personal assistant? L2!ikipedia noob!

So basically, that's it.

I don't understand Kingdom Hearts in the bloody slightest

WARNING - THIS POST CONTAINS SPOILERS!

I never understood the appeal of the game Kingdom Hearts. I understand crossovers, and I understand highly artistic/non-mainstream projects, but I fail to grasp the connection (or necessity of creating a connection) between the two universes. Was this their track of thinking?:

- "I know! Let's amalgamate a cast of emo, sexually androgynous, magic-wielding teenagers with child-friendly, cartoony, animals that have no grounding in logical reality!"

- "I don't know what the fuck you're on, but we need to immediately order 500 pounds of it, and get busy! Promote this man!".

On second thought, I hope that no game designers think this way... Actually, I hope that no one thinks this way...

This is the best title ever!

KFZ is back. For those who are not me, I'll have to fill you in. KFZ is a Zombie Panic! Source server that I used to frequent late at night. It eventually closed down, due to the owner having had enough of paying over $100 a month to keep it running. Some people donated, and its death was staved off momentarily, but the inevitable happened the next month. Fast forward (oh, look at me and my hip talkings!) to about three months later, and one of the original server admins found a deal for a server. So, it's been up for about three days now, and I am very enthused. It's just like the not-very-old times!

Anyway, I am feeling introspective, and all of that Hallmark shit, so I thought I would update my crap blog for about two people to read.

That's it... There's no more...

What's been happening...

Alot has happened in the past few months:

- I got my Steam account back, after emailing them about three times...
- I got a new PC (Intel Core2 Duo 2.66GHz, 4GB RAM, nVidia GeForce 9400GT 1GB) for gaming!
- I have begun to make more videos for YouTube.
- Some other crap (like seeing more films, going to mates' houses)
- And one irritating thing in particular: My Realtek HD Audio Manager for my new PC is screwing up.

Ever since about three days ago, it constantly thinks that there is both a headset and a microphone plugged into the front jack of my tower. This is a major problem, because it overrides anything I plug into the front! Now, you (I.E.: no one) may be thinking "That's not too big a deal! This well-worded loser could just plug all of his things into a rear jack.".

But alas, no. Here's why:

Realtek HD Audio Manager is crap. Simple as that. It doesn't let me plug headphones into the rear jack, because it's coded incorrectly and is illogical and makes no sense. That's truly why. It just won't register anything in the rear jack if it's a set of headphones. I've tried limitless combinations upon combinations, but Realtek hates me. Like most other people/computer programs/animals/ghosts/electrical appliances.

Anyway, while I struggle to keep my life from falling into a pit of chimp urine, I keep watching films. This month's distraction is mostly anything directed by Christopher Guest. Hilarious stuff!

His films consist of:

- This is Spın̈al Tap
- Waiting for Guffman
- Best in Show
- Thank You for Your Consideration
- A Mighty Wind

They are all mockumentaries about people who are in way over their head and who have no right to be doing what they are doing. This is generally put forth as some sort of artistic endeavour. In This is Spın̈al Tap, (easily the best one of them all) he and his oft-included cohorts play a heavy metal rock group known as Spın̈al Tap, whose career is failing and fans are dwindling. In Best in Show, they all play characters who are competing for the dog show title "Best in Show" with their prized pooches. Of course, the dogs are the ones who know how to deal with the pressure of competition, leaving the humans to make hilarious character humour; which is a humour that I rather dislike, but in the case of these films, I find it refreshing and ultimately very well written.

So there it is. Three months of my life condensed into a few poorly-thought out paragraphs of text that no one will ever read...

Makes me feel just dandy...